sigh :( so today i decided to browse through my old pictures taken from my sister's laptop and i was and still am sad that i dont have my long hair anymore and my pimple-free face.. i was sad because suddenly i came to the realization that im ugly. having a clear face and nice hair- those are two things that i always look in a person when i first see them. i judge their personality, their hygiene etc. by those two features.. and now, i feel that i dont even see myself as someone who's beautiful anymore because i fail to pass my own standards of being "beautiful". sigh*
my sister told me that all these ugliness are part of university life. she told me that it's because i stress too much. well dang, ive been a stress-ball all my life, why now? why now that im actually out in university, to the semi-real world.. when i'm starting to feel like my dreams are of arms-reach.. i feel sad because physical looks are important to me.. everyone knows that!! those who deny are hypocrites.. okay let's see, a job:would you be hired if you're a pimple-head? yes, if you're working for a maid-service or something.. some of those people have a job because they didn't have pimples when they were hired.. or whatever. i really believe that looks are important in everything; in meeting friends, partners, whoever!
im not an ugly hater ok.. im just saying the truth! dont tell me "woah now, youre being so judgemental there and youre not even perfect yourself".. well if youre not dumb, i never mentioned anything about perfection in me.. i confessed that i dont even have the confidence anymore to brush off inferiority.. my sister told me that one's self-esteem goes downhill once you start to see your imperfections.. and i think it's so true. i havent appreciated what she said until now, until now that i see that i have obvious imperfections that i have to sulk in.
i also think that imperfections are not necessarily brought up directly by other people.. i think it's us who critique ourselves highly and almost degradingly because we position ourselves parallel to other people in the media, to our friends and to everyone we see in the streets who doesn't necessarily have a perfect life BUT we see them perfect because they have something that we dont have, something that we are desperate for, something that we value.... i guess what im trying to say is that, we our truly our worst critic.. it's us and not other people who judge us, who tell us to be affected by these overrated need to be perfect.
of course i want to be perfect in my own little way and i think every girl wants to be one.. i think it's important to have this image of yourself, an image that doesn't resemble perfection nor an image full of flaws.. i think we have to both see the goodness in ourselves and our flaws.. we must accept what we have because at the end of the day of being inferior when we compare ourselves to others, it's still the old "me" that stays..
my sister told me that all these ugliness are part of university life. she told me that it's because i stress too much. well dang, ive been a stress-ball all my life, why now? why now that im actually out in university, to the semi-real world.. when i'm starting to feel like my dreams are of arms-reach.. i feel sad because physical looks are important to me.. everyone knows that!! those who deny are hypocrites.. okay let's see, a job:would you be hired if you're a pimple-head? yes, if you're working for a maid-service or something.. some of those people have a job because they didn't have pimples when they were hired.. or whatever. i really believe that looks are important in everything; in meeting friends, partners, whoever!
im not an ugly hater ok.. im just saying the truth! dont tell me "woah now, youre being so judgemental there and youre not even perfect yourself".. well if youre not dumb, i never mentioned anything about perfection in me.. i confessed that i dont even have the confidence anymore to brush off inferiority.. my sister told me that one's self-esteem goes downhill once you start to see your imperfections.. and i think it's so true. i havent appreciated what she said until now, until now that i see that i have obvious imperfections that i have to sulk in.
i also think that imperfections are not necessarily brought up directly by other people.. i think it's us who critique ourselves highly and almost degradingly because we position ourselves parallel to other people in the media, to our friends and to everyone we see in the streets who doesn't necessarily have a perfect life BUT we see them perfect because they have something that we dont have, something that we are desperate for, something that we value.... i guess what im trying to say is that, we our truly our worst critic.. it's us and not other people who judge us, who tell us to be affected by these overrated need to be perfect.
of course i want to be perfect in my own little way and i think every girl wants to be one.. i think it's important to have this image of yourself, an image that doesn't resemble perfection nor an image full of flaws.. i think we have to both see the goodness in ourselves and our flaws.. we must accept what we have because at the end of the day of being inferior when we compare ourselves to others, it's still the old "me" that stays..
my mom shares me this when im down and broken.. it's the "serenity prayer"
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
with love,
mei c.
mei c.
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